Sept. 7, 2014
Domestic Violence
By Dr. E. Faye Williams, Esq.
“If I put my hands on you in a threatening way get up. Get out. Don’t stay. While there is a reason for my behavior, the reason is not in your favor. Indeed, the reason I threaten you really doesn’t matter. Someone who batters is someone who batters.”
(TriceEdneyWire.com) -Those words are the opening lines of the poem, “Hands-on Experience”, by CeLillianne Green, a law schoolmate. Her poem addresses domestic violence in the most direct and simple-to-understand terms. While many behavioral studies have been done and analyses made regarding factors that motivate this violence, it’s still a pervasive problem for our society.
A catalog of many specific events could be presented to illustrate why abusers become abusers, but one common element is the fact that most have been subjected to abuse or have been socialized in an environment where domestic abuse is the norm. Through some perverted logic, abusers begin to convince themselves that physical or psychological abuse is an expression of concern or love. Those who see clearly understand it to be the exercise of brutish control and exploitive maltreatment.
Too often, when presented with the evidence of domestic violence, observers engage in the age-old custom of "blaming the victim." Most commonly, they wonder what the victim did to cause the abuser to react. They question the sanity of someone who would remain in a relationship that causes both physical and emotional pain. They begin to construe the facts in a way that minimizes the actions of the abuser and places the onus of responsibility on the abused. The comment, "If they really wanted out, they could walk" or similar words are used to define the situation of the abused.
Although incidents of domestic violence in which men are the victims are on the rise, a thoughtful examination of the facts still shows that domestic violence is primarily one of male directed abuse towards females. Whether the foundation for this abusive has its origins in the thousands of years of the subordination of women or as a reaction to the endeavors of women to achieve their full potential and self-actualization, a permissive excusal of the actions of the abusers has been institutionalized.
It’s time to place the onus for abuse squarely at the feet of those responsible. A first step in this process is in re-framing the issue of domestic violence. It’s not just a problem between two people. It’s a problem that impacts a community and affects the lives of countless others - most commonly children. It’s a problem, if not resolved in its beginning, will become the foundation for a geometric increase in like events.
We must shift our thinking as to how we treat victims. It’s typical for the victim to be sequestered in a "safe house/shelter" where the victim can’t make contact. While too often necessary for the safety and welfare of the victim, this places the lives of victims in turmoil-- while the abuser remains a threat to the victim or is free to move on to the next victim.
As we re-frame how we treat victims, we must do the same for abusers. Domestic abuse should not be tolerated. When the NFL added a lifetime ban from the game for a second domestic abuse offense, we heard a chorus of "that punishment is too severe." On the contrary, the consequences of domestic abuse should be as serious as the act itself. We cannot remain a civilized society if we turn an eye of indifference to such heinous acts.
I will close with the final lines of CeLillianne's poem speaking for me: “I’ve said it before and I must say it again. If I put my hands on you in a threatening way. Your life is in danger. Get out. Don’t stay.”
(Dr. Williams is President/CEO of the National Congress of Black Women, Inc. www.nationalcongressbw.org)